Berkeley Woman

A Day of Feeling Worthless

2008-07-28T21:33:00.001-07:00

I've been having bouts of feeling like I come up short in comparison to everyone else I know today. It is the age-old problem of my family of origin forming in me a meta-narrative that tells me constantly on a daily basis that I am worth nothing. (Can you tell I've been in therapy?) That I am not as good as everyone else. Not even not as good, but worthless when compared to everyone else. At various points throughout my day I felt:
-like I don't get my act together and go camping enough like other people seem so organized to get going and get out in nature
-like I am not a good mom because I can't be as patient as other mothers
-like there is something wrong with me because I want to have 3 kids but know that I can't handle it...I idolize mothers who can do this...handling more than 2 is a miracle to me
-like I am not a good human being because I am not working in Africa, visiting third-world countries, or doing much to benefit the poor in our world
-like I am insignificant because I don't do any of the things listed above
-like I am overly-critical and angry all the time
-like I should love people better

Will I ever be free from this life sentence that my mom and dad gave me to always feel like I am less than everyone around me? It is a constant struggle for me NOT to compare myself to others. To be OK with who I am, where I am, what I am, how I am.

Christians always like to say that our identity is found in Jesus, not in ourselves (since we are truly all a mess, really). But I'm not sure I know exactly what that means. I know Jesus sees me and loves me and forgives me and accepts me; I think of how he was with the prostitutes, the "sinners", the outcasts when he lived on earth. I relate to these people in the bible, feeling like I don't "fit" in so many ways in general social circles. But LIVING like I know that love on a daily basis often eludes me. The doubts creep in and the self-criticism is so loud, I can't hear the truth and love people....I'm too busy comparing myself to them.

As I often say when I am frustrated with my children-and say right now out of frustration with my own heart- "Lord, have mercy". Or in other words (my favorite author Anne Lamott's favorite prayer): "HELP!"

A Kindred Spirit

2008-07-08T21:08:00.001-07:00

Bumper stickers on a car I saw parked in Berkeley today:

"The earth does not belong to us; we belong to the earth"
"Equality" and "Peace"
"Obama 2008"
"It is easier to raise strong children than it is to change evil men" (or something like that...I don't think it said "evil", but I can't remember the exact quote. I liked the quote, but I remember thinking: "But is it?....raising kids is pretty damn hard...maybe as hard as changing a truly deranged adult....")

And then the kicker: "Don't follow me. Follow Jesus."

If only I had the chance to meet the person who owned this car, I just know we would have been good friends.

Entitlement

2008-03-20T00:08:00.000-07:00

This is the only place I can vent about this and not lose my job....although right now I'm not sure I would be that upset if I got fired.

Why do rich people always exhibit such an attitude of entitlement?

I just broke down crying tonight with the stress of my job lately. I have 6 parents on my current caseload of about 40 kids who are extremely demanding people....and 5 of those 6 parents are very wealthy. The lawyers, the surgeons, the independently wealthy....

I am sick of rich people thinking they are entitled to whatever the hell they want. OUSD breaks all the rules for them, changes all their policies for them, bends over backwards to make sure that the rich white kids get as much therapy and services as they want... and it all comes down to money. The district doesn't want to be sued and have to pay all that money. The district knows the rich people have "friends" in the law business.

It makes me sick to my stomach....and it makes me hate rich people even more than I already do. I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I might just blow up one day and tell one of these parents what I really think of them and their overly critical and argumentative attitudes.

It is 12:15 am and I can't sleep because of these rich people breathing down my neck every day. Making me rearrange my entire schedule so that I can put their child in where it is most convenient for them. Leaving me voice mail messages about insignificant issues because they think that their child is entitled to more of my time than the poor kids at other schools, where the parents don't even show up for IEPs, much less care if their kid is getting therapy. And those are the kids that suffer...the ones who don't have those "friends" in high places to advocate for them and ensure that they get their services.

AAAHH. I can't remember the last time I was this angry. Nothing is helping me. Yoga, prayer, exercise, deep breathing, even telling myself it doesn't matter in the long run. I am so frustrated with the inequity in the world that I cannot sleep tonight.

Sick Day!!!!

2008-02-21T11:11:00.000-08:00

Lucas is home sick with a very mild fever today and I am loving it. He is happy and fine, and I get to use a sick day to stay home and get stuff done around the house. It is 11 am and I have:
-done 2 loads of laundry
-organized the kids clothes
-made some phone calls for work
Which really isn't a lot, since before the end of the day, I'm trying to:
-finish our taxes
-re-organize my work schedule due to a therapist who quit unexpectedly
-clean the entire house
-organize clothes to take to goodwill
-clean out the spare bedroom
-probably do some more work stuff

I can be so productive when I have an unexpected day off work. It makes me wonder how this stuff gets done when I'm working. The answer is: it doesn't. The old clothes have been piling up in the spare bedroom for weeks to be taken to charity. The kitchen and living room are usually cluttered and messy. The taxes have been done for weeks but need to be printed, signed, and mailed.

The point here is that I'm learning not to compare myself to any other mom. Even though I still will do it all the time, I realize how much time I actually spend at work, and that some stuff will not get done at home. I have to let some things go, and not be such a control freak, which is a good daily practice for me. It may take my whole life but I WILL learn eventually...or I'll have a heart attack by the age of 40 (as Jose always tells me).

So maybe I'll do only some of that stuff today and let the rest go. Or maybe I won't do ANY of it and have a lazy day with Lucas....and be stressed tomorrow b/c the house is messy.

A Balanced Life

2007-12-30T14:25:00.000-08:00

So now that I've had 2 seconds to breathe since I'm on winter break from work, I've been reading more and actually have time to write on this blog again! My most recent read that has had me thinking a lot about my life is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, which is a book that has been getting a lot of positive press these days. I was one of 128 people waiting for it through the Berkeley Public Library! I requested it in August, and finally got it in December.

I have to say, the book was an interesting read (I finished it in 2 sittings) but I didn't like the book as much as people have raved about it. While she is an amazing writer, I feel like it would be easy to be "spiritual" if we all had the time to take a 12 month vacation from real life and just spend that time "finding ourselves" as Liz had the luxury of doing. I did appreciate her honesty and her raw emotion as she reveals her deepest fears, worries, doubts, and shortcomings. I was inspired by her book to practice yoga and spend time alone with God more consistently, and to enjoy the simple things in my life. BUT, her story made me insanely jealous. I felt somewhat let down since I can't go to India to live in an Ashram for months on end. :) My life right now consists of learning how to be a woman who loves God deeply AND balances a full life of work, mothering, yoga teaching, and being a wife. This is a far stretch from having a year of my life to devote solely to learning who God is and who I am. I want to know God, but it is hard to really have my priorities straight when life seems so full of all the stuff that "has" to get done. I know other people MUST be able to relate to this!

I guess that just proves that the book really did remind me that I need to get my priorities right and start spending time doing what really matters to me. Even though I know it doesn't earn me "points" with God, I DO need to read holy scriptures, pray, spend time in silence and meditation, and practice the art of seeing God in the simple things each day. Or else my life is out of balance and it is harder to see God's hand in all of life.

So I guess the book was worth reading after all!

My Winter "Vacation"

2007-12-27T14:43:00.000-08:00

This was a draft of an old post from December that I decided to finish and post b/c it was SO typical of a mom's life....

Today is the type of day that makes me wonder how any person on earth can handle more than 2 children. I am on winter break from work for 2 weeks, during which I have the kids full time while Jose is at work. Today we got up. They destroyed the house while I kept nagging them to get their socks and shoes on so we could go to the grocery store and the library...but wait, I'm ahead of myself....let's start at the beginning:
6:45 am- Adela wakes up, comes in our bed 15 minutes before her allowed time to come in our bed, cries when we talk to her about it, then Lucas wakes up early and is a grump because of it.
8:00 am- I start nagging them to get socks and shoes on, clean up their toys, and round up the library books so we can go to the grocery store and the library.
9:00 am- Lucas hits Adela, conflict resolution takes longer than expected
9:30 am- Adela breaks my glass ring stand that my mom gave to me in high school, then runs and hides and lies that she did not break it. Resolved this by talking to her (felt like a good mom on this one).
10:00 am- we're finally leaving the house. both kids in the car, lucas hits adela b/c she sat in his car seat, she hits back and then lucas pulls her hair- HARD. I calmly tell both of them to go back inside and I don't speak to either of them for an hour b/c I am so mad. I fold the mountain of laundry on Jose and I's bed and then organize Lucas' and Adela's entire wardrobes in an attempt to channel all my negative energy into something worthwhile.
11:30- After an early lunch, we finally leave the house. Go to trader joes- lucas gets a balloon that pops and we have to go all the way back in the store for another one. Then to the library and to berkeley bowl (grocery store) for fresh spices b/c trader joes doesn't have jack in that department. In berkeley bowl, the kids beg for cherries. they're really expensive 5.95 a pound, but i say yes b/c they're healthy and a special treat that isn't chocolate. get to the checkout and the girl wants to charge me $9 for the bag of cherries. I tell her that is wrong, she refuses to go check the price for me, so I drag both kids with me to the opposite end of the most crowded grocery store in history, pull the entire sign out of the stand next to the cherries, walk back through the entire store holding that placard over my head like it is a protest sign at a political rally and bring it to the cashier and say "THIS is the sign that was by those cherries". I got the right price on them after that.

Can't remember the rest of that day now. I'm finishing this post in February, writing about one random day in December. The point is: being a mom is a full time job. With a full time job on top of being a mom, it is no wonder I am stressed most of the time. I do love both of these roles in my life, but it sure is a balancing act. Some days I feel like a great mom and a shitty therapist, other days I feel like a great therapist and a shitty mom. And on some glorious days, when the balancing act is going well, and everything feels just right with work and with my family, I can truly say that I love my life. Those moments are enough to keep me going....

Discovery of Truth

2007-09-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book called Take This Bread by Sara Miles, a lesbian left-wing journalist who was decidedly non-religious and wandered into a church one Sunday morning and took communion and "met Jesus" as she says. I feel like I should contact this woman (she lives in SF) because she is the type of christian that I want to be. REAL about her life. Admitting she is a mess. Inclusive of others. Open to seeing Jesus in every single person, so matter who they are. Liberal with her love. Truly befriending and advocating for the downtrodden, the poor, the marginalized people in our cities.

The sad thing is that many christians reading the above statement would think that when Sara became a christian, that means that she stops being a lesbian, stops being a left-wing journalist, and has to essentially change the very core of her being to "fit" in the church.

Jesus was the opposite. He invited EVERYONE to come to him...no matter how fucked up. Even me. That is literally the only reason I am a christian. Because I can be my messed up, broken, hurting, grieving, jealous, angry self and Jesus accepts me. Not that I want to always stay the way I am now. My only hope is that Jesus can change me...it is going to be a long process with me cause I feel a mess (especially lately because I'm stressed out with work!). Like I said when I started this blog: it will take a miracle....a lot of miracles actually.

Anyway, I liked this quote from her book, which is actually a quote from the welcome guide from her church:
"The discovery of truth is a continuing journey guided by the Holy Spirit, and the answers we find are always provisional answers." (Chris Webber, Welcome to the Episcopal Church)

Man it is SO true. All of us, no matter who we are (christians or not) tend to think that we have a handle on truth. We know that what we think is right. I just want to be open to being corrected in my life, to changing my beliefs and my opinions, to listening and considering others' views and life choices. All of that informs and helps me in my own walk of faith and in my own journey in life.

An enjoyable evening

2007-08-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

Who could resist smiling at these faces?! Funny how kids really break the ice with people. They are just genuine and uninhibited and conversation-starters...just by being at the dinner with me and Jose. (see my last post) My lack of desire to be there was immediately overcome by the fact that I connected with some folks I had met last time and felt welcomed in a way. It will take many weeks to get to truly know people, but I had an enjoyable evening there. I may actually look forward to it next time.

I don't want to go

2007-08-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

After all my talk in the last post about making life more meaningful by serving people and loving people, it is the one time a month where I attend a community dinner that is attended by many of the homeless in my neighborhood....and guess what? I do NOT want to go.

What is it in my heart that can read and write about loving people who are different than me but makes it so hard to actually go and do it? I just want to stay here in my house and relax after my first two stressful days back at work. I don't feel like going through the small talk with people that I don't know...but that is what it requires to get to know people.

And why are the socioeconomic barriers so much harder to cross than racial barriers? But it is so hard to relate (initially) to people who are living on the streets. I don't want people to think I am there to "help" them in some way. I actually feel like I'd like some insight from them and to listen to their perspectives on life.

We'll see how it goes this week....

Our Meaningless Lives

2007-08-18T19:17:00.001-07:00

I've been realizing lately how much of my time (and others) is spent on meaningless activities. On the internet, checking email, talking about meaningless stuff, decorating our homes, shopping, playing video games, acquiring more "stuff" for our hobbies or current pastimes....and the list goes on and on. While these things are all fine and good in the right context, I think sometimes the sheer time we spend doing these things is often exceeding the time we spend caring and building relationships with others.

This is probably because I just finished reading Shane Claiborne's book, "The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical". (You can see his organization's website at thesimpleway.org) This book made me think about how we use our money, where we should choose to live, who we should be spending time with. Shane says that only 2% of people who profess to be followers of Jesus actually spend any time with people who are poor on a regular basis. We will give money to the church, or support missionaries, or support other organizations that help the poor and hurting, but in general, people lack the face-to-face contact with the people that Jesus said we should be spending time with!

Seems like at church we're always trying to act like we have our shit together. But if we were to eat a meal with the homeless in our communities, we would simply just be a group of people who each have a lot of issues and pain and struggles. We would be a group of people who are clearly in need of God to help bring deliverance and hope in the midst of struggles and hopelessness. We all have the same issues, whether they be big or small. Whether you are homeless, or poor, or middle class, or a millionaire, we all have the same core issues. We want significance, meaning, love, hope and joy.

My prayer today is that God would free us from our mundane and meaningless lives, and that He would embolden us take small but meaningful steps to place ourselves in contact with people who are broken, just like us. That we would be vigilant to see the hurting, the poor, the sick, the hungry within our own cities and that we would do small things that will help us to be in face to face contact with people, to really know them...so together we can learn who Jesus really is.

Top Ten Reasons I LOVE Second-Hand Shopping

2007-07-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

10. The thrill of the hunt... you never know what you're going to find!

9. You find things that you forgot you needed and when you find them, they are super cheap!

8. You can actually say YES to some stupid toy that your child wants, because it probably costs only 50 cents.

7. CHEAP books.

6. I can actually get funky home decor stuff that I can't afford at Pier One.

5. You get 6-10 items of clothing for the same price you would pay for one item of clothing in the Old Navy clearance section.

4. You get to satisfy the inner "voyeur" in all of us. It is so fun to see what kind of junk other people have to get rid of!

3. You can "shop" for hours and not feel guilty for wasting money b/c you've only spent $3.

2. You see how stuff that you need is just provided by God. All second-hand from craigslist, garage sales, or thrift stores are: our red pottery barn sectional couch, my favorite green t-shirt, and the latest find yesterday, a brand new pair of Birkenstocks in chocolate brown and in the 3 strap style that I've been wanting to buy but can't afford!!!

And the number one reason for shopping second-hand stores is:
1. You don't contribute to the amazingly huge amounts of CRAP that are produced in this world. You are reducing your impact on our fragile environment, you don't have to worry about sweatshop labor or about supporting a stupid huge corporation that makes the wealthy get wealthier and keeps the poor in poverty. You are reducing, reusing, and recycling almost everything that you have or own.

For the number one reason alone, I think we all should be shopping second-hand for almost everything that we want to purchase. What is it in America with our huge obsession with stuff anyway?

I'm a terrible mother

2007-07-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

Since mid-June I've been working 1/2 days for summer school, so I've been with the kids from about 1:00pm until Jose gets home from riding his bike after work, usually around 7 or 8. I had really looked forward to this time with my kids, and while it has its joyful moments, it has also led me to believe that I am truly a terrible mother. I honestly do NOT know how stay-at-home moms (SAHM's) do it. I have no time for myself it seems. I am longing to do simple things (like grocery shopping, or running errands) without the kids. I resent my kids all the time simply because they are kids! They demand things constantly, they need to be told things a million times, and they suck me dry of all my sensory and emotional reserves. My patience is so lacking, my selfishness so apparent. And when I compare myself to other women who stay at home, I just think they must be cut from a different cloth than I am. I could not do this all the time.

There is this envy in me of SAHM's. I glorify the life that they live. Sleeping till whenever with no place to rush off to in the morning, playdates at the park, mom's groups on a weekday morning, taking walks with the kids in the stroller, walking their kids to school in the morning, going to "mommy and me" classes, getting to clean and organize the house when the kids sleep or watch a quick TV show. But now that I am spending the next 6 weeks as a SAHM, I'll get to see the other side of things!

As I always pray, LORD HELP ME! I feel like I just can't do this for the next 6 weeks and be a mom that my kids will like to be around. I'm going to start running again, which I think will help me have time to myself and relieve myself of stress that I am most definitely going to have. I want to be outside with them a lot, but it is hard with them still being little. I'm going camping next week with a friend and bringing them with us. That should be fun. I just hope that I can enjoy my kids during this time. That I'll truly learn how to be patient with them and not lose my temper so much. So many patterns that I learned growing up need to be broken in me. When I see progress here, that will be a true miracle!!!

The things we fight about

2007-07-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

Jose and I have been doing better communicating our needs to one another lately. We don't fight nearly as much as we have in the past. However, today has been a rough day. We went to tour a preschool that I had previously seen and decided in my heart that I really liked for Lucas to go to in the fall. Jose disagrees, for a variety of reasons that I won't go into here.

I feel that we are just at a dead end. Since Jose doesn't like it, I can't turn in an application. I was distinctly aware of the same feeling in my stomach tonight as I used to have when I talked to my dad during my teenage years...the feeling of really wanting something, being convinced of something, and having an authority figure saying no initially and just stalling to give me the go ahead. Which is what I know Jose will do. If I push hard enough, he will say "fine". But I don't want to push him. I want to truly have an egalitarian marriage. I want to have an intelligent adult conversation about what decision we feel is best for our family, but that seems impossible right now.

I want to want the same things for our kids, and A LOT of the time, Jose and I disagree on how to raise our kids. I want my kids to not watch TV or movies. I want my kids to be outside, enjoying nature. I want my kids to eat healthy. I want my kids to learn Spanish. I spend a lot of time being angry that I didn't marry someone who was into the outdoors more. It is like pulling teeth to get Jose to do these things and it depresses me because I feel like he does it just to make me happy (which it does) but I wish that he just internally liked these things like I do.

So we're both just mad now from disagreeing about this all day. I'm just pissed off right now and in no mood to try to figure out how loving Jesus means loving my husband right now. I feel like my only prayer can be "Lord HELP ME!". I don't even feel like praying about this. Just tired of it and feel like it is a neverending story.

This made me angry....

2007-07-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

So I was watching a friend's kids yesterday; all together with my kids I had 5 kids in my house for several hours. We've got a great backyard here but we needed to get out, so we took a walk to the "mini-park" that is near our house. Jose calls it "ghetto park" because there are frequently empty 40's, litter, and grafitti everywhere when we go there. But I still take the kids there all the time, mainly because it is the only park that is close enough to ride their bikes to (while I "steer" them back onto the sidewalk constantly) and because at least there is a slide, some good swings, and a grassy area to kick around a soccer ball in.

We arrived at the park at about 3:30 on a Friday afternoon. It had been taken over by pre-teenagers. Bored kids with nothing to do during the summer. Shouting expletives at each other, the girls laying on the boys, kids punching each other for fun. Not to be intimidated by some kids, I just acted normal and had all the (much younger) kids I was with go into the park and start playing. The older kids asked if they could play with one of the toys I had brought; I later gave it to them only to have them break it, discard it on the ground, and not approach me to apologize.

As we were all playing, a "joking" fun fight between two of the boys became rather heated, with several other boys shouting and egging on the violence. So I walked over and told them
"Come on you guys. Break it up or take it elsewhere. This is a park for little kids. I got little kids here and they don't need to be seeing this stuff."

I guess I looked at the tallest kid. The kid who was not involved in the fighting, but was the one encouraging them to take it to the next level.

"Why you lookin' at me? I wasn't the one fighting" the kid snapped back at me.

"You were the one egging them on...wanting them to fight. This place is for KIDS. Leave if you guys want to act like that." I repeated.

"I guess you ain't got a problem now cause they quit!!!" he retorted.

"Yeah..thanks." I said, not sure what to reply to that.

All these kids were African-American...and here I was the white older woman with my kids (also all white) kicking the black kids out of a neighborhood park. But part of me felt good that I stood up to them and told them their behavior was completely inappropriate. The way that kid spoke to me make me seeth with ANGER. I would NEVER have spoken to an adult (any adult) that disrespectfully when I was 12 years old. I probably should have respectfully told him not to talk to me that way. It made me think about all of the problems facing most of black children in America and it made me feel powerless in the face of these problems. Poverty, boredom, drugs, violence....how do any of these kids I met yesterday leave their young adulthood unaffected by these huge social problems???? What are their lives like right now? What will their futures be?

Besides the situation in the park, we were supposed to have our neighbors over last night for dinner. They are African-American and in the Nation of Islam, and I was excited to spend the evening with them and get to know them better. 6:30 came and went, then 7, 8, 9 o'clock. And they never showed up. I'm not sure if this is cultural, but isn't that just rude? We talked with them this week about what time they were coming over and I just was shocked that they just wouldn't come. Lately this week there have been people in their backyard smoking pot, and a woman camped out on their front porch who is drunk or high on something all the time and completely incomprehensible when she tries to talk to you, or when she is yelling expletives to someone on her cell phone. Not really something I want my kids to walk by every time we leave the house or come home.

I feel so conflicted about how to live in this neighborhood as a lover of Jesus. Yesterday was the most challenging time I've had here yet. I realized why white Christians what to live in the nice areas with all their other white rich friends, completely isolated from issues like this. Wealthy neighborhoods provide insulation from the nitty gritty hard issues of the subsistence life of the poor.

How will we ever be able to overcome these deep divides in our country over race? The inequality of wealth? The terrible social evils that plague us?

Are there any deep friendships truly across racial and socioeconomic lines? We, as human beings, stay where we are comfortable, where things are easy, where there are people just like us.

I have no solutions. There are no quick or easy answers to these issues. I just need to keep desperately asking Jesus to help me love and not judge, to give mercy but also work for justice (on a small scale at the mini park?) in this area of our city. Help me Lord. Have mercy on my angry heart. Forgive me for my lack of forgiveness and for the racism in my heart.

Return to Jesus

2007-06-28T21:50:00.001-07:00

I'm longing for a return to Jesus. I feel like I've lost him in the many years of being involved in mainstream churches and simply living my "American Christianity"....basically, to have my personal relationship with Jesus, and to do well for me and mine...oh, and send money to the missionaries occasionally.

I've been reflecting on my upbringing in the Christian church. Wondering how it is possible that I was raised in a church that worshiped Jesus, was involved in youth and college ministry, and have attended churches that worshiped Jesus since college...YET I have never really been called to serve in any way that truly involved sacrifice on my part. I've never been to a third world country. I've never served food at a soup kitchen. I've never fed the hungry, clothed the naked, visited those in prison, which are all the things that Jesus told us to do.

So tonight I wanted to begin this blog for the purpose of working this stuff out in my heart. I want a place to post what is going on inside of me regarding this journey with Jesus that I am on. I want to be in love with him and see my world change because of my love for him. I want to see God changing the world around me; to see more beauty, more love, more joy, and more peace on earth. Sounds idealistic, but that is what I really want. For God to use me. Messed up, self-centered me. It will be a miracle.