I've been having bouts of feeling like I come up short in comparison to everyone else I know today. It is the age-old problem of my family of origin forming in me a meta-narrative that tells me constantly on a daily basis that I am worth nothing. (Can you tell I've been in therapy?) That I am not as good as everyone else. Not even not as good, but worthless when compared to everyone else. At various points throughout my day I felt:
-like I don't get my act together and go camping enough like other people seem so organized to get going and get out in nature
-like I am not a good mom because I can't be as patient as other mothers
-like there is something wrong with me because I want to have 3 kids but know that I can't handle it...I idolize mothers who can do this...handling more than 2 is a miracle to me
-like I am not a good human being because I am not working in Africa, visiting third-world countries, or doing much to benefit the poor in our world
-like I am insignificant because I don't do any of the things listed above
-like I am overly-critical and angry all the time
-like I should love people better
Will I ever be free from this life sentence that my mom and dad gave me to always feel like I am less than everyone around me? It is a constant struggle for me NOT to compare myself to others. To be OK with who I am, where I am, what I am, how I am.
Christians always like to say that our identity is found in Jesus, not in ourselves (since we are truly all a mess, really). But I'm not sure I know exactly what that means. I know Jesus sees me and loves me and forgives me and accepts me; I think of how he was with the prostitutes, the "sinners", the outcasts when he lived on earth. I relate to these people in the bible, feeling like I don't "fit" in so many ways in general social circles. But LIVING like I know that love on a daily basis often eludes me. The doubts creep in and the self-criticism is so loud, I can't hear the truth and love people....I'm too busy comparing myself to them.
As I often say when I am frustrated with my children-and say right now out of frustration with my own heart- "Lord, have mercy". Or in other words (my favorite author Anne Lamott's favorite prayer): "HELP!"
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
A Kindred Spirit
Bumper stickers on a car I saw parked in Berkeley today:
"The earth does not belong to us; we belong to the earth"
"Equality" and "Peace"
"Obama 2008"
"It is easier to raise strong children than it is to change evil men" (or something like that...I don't think it said "evil", but I can't remember the exact quote. I liked the quote, but I remember thinking: "But is it?....raising kids is pretty damn hard...maybe as hard as changing a truly deranged adult....")
And then the kicker: "Don't follow me. Follow Jesus."
If only I had the chance to meet the person who owned this car, I just know we would have been good friends.
"The earth does not belong to us; we belong to the earth"
"Equality" and "Peace"
"Obama 2008"
"It is easier to raise strong children than it is to change evil men" (or something like that...I don't think it said "evil", but I can't remember the exact quote. I liked the quote, but I remember thinking: "But is it?....raising kids is pretty damn hard...maybe as hard as changing a truly deranged adult....")
And then the kicker: "Don't follow me. Follow Jesus."
If only I had the chance to meet the person who owned this car, I just know we would have been good friends.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Entitlement
This is the only place I can vent about this and not lose my job....although right now I'm not sure I would be that upset if I got fired.
Why do rich people always exhibit such an attitude of entitlement?
I just broke down crying tonight with the stress of my job lately. I have 6 parents on my current caseload of about 40 kids who are extremely demanding people....and 5 of those 6 parents are very wealthy. The lawyers, the surgeons, the independently wealthy....
I am sick of rich people thinking they are entitled to whatever the hell they want. OUSD breaks all the rules for them, changes all their policies for them, bends over backwards to make sure that the rich white kids get as much therapy and services as they want... and it all comes down to money. The district doesn't want to be sued and have to pay all that money. The district knows the rich people have "friends" in the law business.
It makes me sick to my stomach....and it makes me hate rich people even more than I already do. I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I might just blow up one day and tell one of these parents what I really think of them and their overly critical and argumentative attitudes.
It is 12:15 am and I can't sleep because of these rich people breathing down my neck every day. Making me rearrange my entire schedule so that I can put their child in where it is most convenient for them. Leaving me voice mail messages about insignificant issues because they think that their child is entitled to more of my time than the poor kids at other schools, where the parents don't even show up for IEPs, much less care if their kid is getting therapy. And those are the kids that suffer...the ones who don't have those "friends" in high places to advocate for them and ensure that they get their services.
AAAHH. I can't remember the last time I was this angry. Nothing is helping me. Yoga, prayer, exercise, deep breathing, even telling myself it doesn't matter in the long run. I am so frustrated with the inequity in the world that I cannot sleep tonight.
Why do rich people always exhibit such an attitude of entitlement?
I just broke down crying tonight with the stress of my job lately. I have 6 parents on my current caseload of about 40 kids who are extremely demanding people....and 5 of those 6 parents are very wealthy. The lawyers, the surgeons, the independently wealthy....
I am sick of rich people thinking they are entitled to whatever the hell they want. OUSD breaks all the rules for them, changes all their policies for them, bends over backwards to make sure that the rich white kids get as much therapy and services as they want... and it all comes down to money. The district doesn't want to be sued and have to pay all that money. The district knows the rich people have "friends" in the law business.
It makes me sick to my stomach....and it makes me hate rich people even more than I already do. I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I might just blow up one day and tell one of these parents what I really think of them and their overly critical and argumentative attitudes.
It is 12:15 am and I can't sleep because of these rich people breathing down my neck every day. Making me rearrange my entire schedule so that I can put their child in where it is most convenient for them. Leaving me voice mail messages about insignificant issues because they think that their child is entitled to more of my time than the poor kids at other schools, where the parents don't even show up for IEPs, much less care if their kid is getting therapy. And those are the kids that suffer...the ones who don't have those "friends" in high places to advocate for them and ensure that they get their services.
AAAHH. I can't remember the last time I was this angry. Nothing is helping me. Yoga, prayer, exercise, deep breathing, even telling myself it doesn't matter in the long run. I am so frustrated with the inequity in the world that I cannot sleep tonight.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Sick Day!!!!
Lucas is home sick with a very mild fever today and I am loving it. He is happy and fine, and I get to use a sick day to stay home and get stuff done around the house. It is 11 am and I have:
-done 2 loads of laundry
-organized the kids clothes
-made some phone calls for work
Which really isn't a lot, since before the end of the day, I'm trying to:
-finish our taxes
-re-organize my work schedule due to a therapist who quit unexpectedly
-clean the entire house
-organize clothes to take to goodwill
-clean out the spare bedroom
-probably do some more work stuff
I can be so productive when I have an unexpected day off work. It makes me wonder how this stuff gets done when I'm working. The answer is: it doesn't. The old clothes have been piling up in the spare bedroom for weeks to be taken to charity. The kitchen and living room are usually cluttered and messy. The taxes have been done for weeks but need to be printed, signed, and mailed.
The point here is that I'm learning not to compare myself to any other mom. Even though I still will do it all the time, I realize how much time I actually spend at work, and that some stuff will not get done at home. I have to let some things go, and not be such a control freak, which is a good daily practice for me. It may take my whole life but I WILL learn eventually...or I'll have a heart attack by the age of 40 (as Jose always tells me).
So maybe I'll do only some of that stuff today and let the rest go. Or maybe I won't do ANY of it and have a lazy day with Lucas....and be stressed tomorrow b/c the house is messy.
-done 2 loads of laundry
-organized the kids clothes
-made some phone calls for work
Which really isn't a lot, since before the end of the day, I'm trying to:
-finish our taxes
-re-organize my work schedule due to a therapist who quit unexpectedly
-clean the entire house
-organize clothes to take to goodwill
-clean out the spare bedroom
-probably do some more work stuff
I can be so productive when I have an unexpected day off work. It makes me wonder how this stuff gets done when I'm working. The answer is: it doesn't. The old clothes have been piling up in the spare bedroom for weeks to be taken to charity. The kitchen and living room are usually cluttered and messy. The taxes have been done for weeks but need to be printed, signed, and mailed.
The point here is that I'm learning not to compare myself to any other mom. Even though I still will do it all the time, I realize how much time I actually spend at work, and that some stuff will not get done at home. I have to let some things go, and not be such a control freak, which is a good daily practice for me. It may take my whole life but I WILL learn eventually...or I'll have a heart attack by the age of 40 (as Jose always tells me).
So maybe I'll do only some of that stuff today and let the rest go. Or maybe I won't do ANY of it and have a lazy day with Lucas....and be stressed tomorrow b/c the house is messy.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
A Balanced Life
So now that I've had 2 seconds to breathe since I'm on winter break from work, I've been reading more and actually have time to write on this blog again! My most recent read that has had me thinking a lot about my life is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, which is a book that has been getting a lot of positive press these days. I was one of 128 people waiting for it through the Berkeley Public Library! I requested it in August, and finally got it in December.I have to say, the book was an interesting read (I finished it in 2 sittings) but I didn't like the book as much as people have raved about it. While she is an amazing writer, I feel like it would be easy to be "spiritual" if we all had the time to take a 12 month vacation from real life and just spend that time "finding ourselves" as Liz had the luxury of doing. I did appreciate her honesty and her raw emotion as she reveals her deepest fears, worries, doubts, and shortcomings. I was inspired by her book to practice yoga and spend time alone with God more consistently, and to enjoy the simple things in my life. BUT, her story made me insanely jealous. I felt somewhat let down since I can't go to India to live in an Ashram for months on end. :) My life right now consists of learning how to be a woman who loves God deeply AND balances a full life of work, mothering, yoga teaching, and being a wife. This is a far stretch from having a year of my life to devote solely to learning who God is and who I am. I want to know God, but it is hard to really have my priorities straight when life seems so full of all the stuff that "has" to get done. I know other people MUST be able to relate to this!
I guess that just proves that the book really did remind me that I need to get my priorities right and start spending time doing what really matters to me. Even though I know it doesn't earn me "points" with God, I DO need to read holy scriptures, pray, spend time in silence and meditation, and practice the art of seeing God in the simple things each day. Or else my life is out of balance and it is harder to see God's hand in all of life.
So I guess the book was worth reading after all!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
My Winter "Vacation"
This was a draft of an old post from December that I decided to finish and post b/c it was SO typical of a mom's life....
Today is the type of day that makes me wonder how any person on earth can handle more than 2 children. I am on winter break from work for 2 weeks, during which I have the kids full time while Jose is at work. Today we got up. They destroyed the house while I kept nagging them to get their socks and shoes on so we could go to the grocery store and the library...but wait, I'm ahead of myself....let's start at the beginning:
6:45 am- Adela wakes up, comes in our bed 15 minutes before her allowed time to come in our bed, cries when we talk to her about it, then Lucas wakes up early and is a grump because of it.
8:00 am- I start nagging them to get socks and shoes on, clean up their toys, and round up the library books so we can go to the grocery store and the library.
9:00 am- Lucas hits Adela, conflict resolution takes longer than expected
9:30 am- Adela breaks my glass ring stand that my mom gave to me in high school, then runs and hides and lies that she did not break it. Resolved this by talking to her (felt like a good mom on this one).
10:00 am- we're finally leaving the house. both kids in the car, lucas hits adela b/c she sat in his car seat, she hits back and then lucas pulls her hair- HARD. I calmly tell both of them to go back inside and I don't speak to either of them for an hour b/c I am so mad. I fold the mountain of laundry on Jose and I's bed and then organize Lucas' and Adela's entire wardrobes in an attempt to channel all my negative energy into something worthwhile.
11:30- After an early lunch, we finally leave the house. Go to trader joes- lucas gets a balloon that pops and we have to go all the way back in the store for another one. Then to the library and to berkeley bowl (grocery store) for fresh spices b/c trader joes doesn't have jack in that department. In berkeley bowl, the kids beg for cherries. they're really expensive 5.95 a pound, but i say yes b/c they're healthy and a special treat that isn't chocolate. get to the checkout and the girl wants to charge me $9 for the bag of cherries. I tell her that is wrong, she refuses to go check the price for me, so I drag both kids with me to the opposite end of the most crowded grocery store in history, pull the entire sign out of the stand next to the cherries, walk back through the entire store holding that placard over my head like it is a protest sign at a political rally and bring it to the cashier and say "THIS is the sign that was by those cherries". I got the right price on them after that.
Can't remember the rest of that day now. I'm finishing this post in February, writing about one random day in December. The point is: being a mom is a full time job. With a full time job on top of being a mom, it is no wonder I am stressed most of the time. I do love both of these roles in my life, but it sure is a balancing act. Some days I feel like a great mom and a shitty therapist, other days I feel like a great therapist and a shitty mom. And on some glorious days, when the balancing act is going well, and everything feels just right with work and with my family, I can truly say that I love my life. Those moments are enough to keep me going....
Today is the type of day that makes me wonder how any person on earth can handle more than 2 children. I am on winter break from work for 2 weeks, during which I have the kids full time while Jose is at work. Today we got up. They destroyed the house while I kept nagging them to get their socks and shoes on so we could go to the grocery store and the library...but wait, I'm ahead of myself....let's start at the beginning:
6:45 am- Adela wakes up, comes in our bed 15 minutes before her allowed time to come in our bed, cries when we talk to her about it, then Lucas wakes up early and is a grump because of it.
8:00 am- I start nagging them to get socks and shoes on, clean up their toys, and round up the library books so we can go to the grocery store and the library.
9:00 am- Lucas hits Adela, conflict resolution takes longer than expected
9:30 am- Adela breaks my glass ring stand that my mom gave to me in high school, then runs and hides and lies that she did not break it. Resolved this by talking to her (felt like a good mom on this one).
10:00 am- we're finally leaving the house. both kids in the car, lucas hits adela b/c she sat in his car seat, she hits back and then lucas pulls her hair- HARD. I calmly tell both of them to go back inside and I don't speak to either of them for an hour b/c I am so mad. I fold the mountain of laundry on Jose and I's bed and then organize Lucas' and Adela's entire wardrobes in an attempt to channel all my negative energy into something worthwhile.
11:30- After an early lunch, we finally leave the house. Go to trader joes- lucas gets a balloon that pops and we have to go all the way back in the store for another one. Then to the library and to berkeley bowl (grocery store) for fresh spices b/c trader joes doesn't have jack in that department. In berkeley bowl, the kids beg for cherries. they're really expensive 5.95 a pound, but i say yes b/c they're healthy and a special treat that isn't chocolate. get to the checkout and the girl wants to charge me $9 for the bag of cherries. I tell her that is wrong, she refuses to go check the price for me, so I drag both kids with me to the opposite end of the most crowded grocery store in history, pull the entire sign out of the stand next to the cherries, walk back through the entire store holding that placard over my head like it is a protest sign at a political rally and bring it to the cashier and say "THIS is the sign that was by those cherries". I got the right price on them after that.
Can't remember the rest of that day now. I'm finishing this post in February, writing about one random day in December. The point is: being a mom is a full time job. With a full time job on top of being a mom, it is no wonder I am stressed most of the time. I do love both of these roles in my life, but it sure is a balancing act. Some days I feel like a great mom and a shitty therapist, other days I feel like a great therapist and a shitty mom. And on some glorious days, when the balancing act is going well, and everything feels just right with work and with my family, I can truly say that I love my life. Those moments are enough to keep me going....
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Discovery of Truth
I'm reading a book called Take This Bread by Sara Miles, a lesbian left-wing journalist who was decidedly non-religious and wandered into a church one Sunday morning and took communion and "met Jesus" as she says. I feel like I should contact this woman (she lives in SF) because she is the type of christian that I want to be. REAL about her life. Admitting she is a mess. Inclusive of others. Open to seeing Jesus in every single person, so matter who they are. Liberal with her love. Truly befriending and advocating for the downtrodden, the poor, the marginalized people in our cities.
The sad thing is that many christians reading the above statement would think that when Sara became a christian, that means that she stops being a lesbian, stops being a left-wing journalist, and has to essentially change the very core of her being to "fit" in the church.
Jesus was the opposite. He invited EVERYONE to come to him...no matter how fucked up. Even me. That is literally the only reason I am a christian. Because I can be my messed up, broken, hurting, grieving, jealous, angry self and Jesus accepts me. Not that I want to always stay the way I am now. My only hope is that Jesus can change me...it is going to be a long process with me cause I feel a mess (especially lately because I'm stressed out with work!). Like I said when I started this blog: it will take a miracle....a lot of miracles actually.
Anyway, I liked this quote from her book, which is actually a quote from the welcome guide from her church:
"The discovery of truth is a continuing journey guided by the Holy Spirit, and the answers we find are always provisional answers." (Chris Webber, Welcome to the Episcopal Church)
Man it is SO true. All of us, no matter who we are (christians or not) tend to think that we have a handle on truth. We know that what we think is right. I just want to be open to being corrected in my life, to changing my beliefs and my opinions, to listening and considering others' views and life choices. All of that informs and helps me in my own walk of faith and in my own journey in life.
The sad thing is that many christians reading the above statement would think that when Sara became a christian, that means that she stops being a lesbian, stops being a left-wing journalist, and has to essentially change the very core of her being to "fit" in the church.
Jesus was the opposite. He invited EVERYONE to come to him...no matter how fucked up. Even me. That is literally the only reason I am a christian. Because I can be my messed up, broken, hurting, grieving, jealous, angry self and Jesus accepts me. Not that I want to always stay the way I am now. My only hope is that Jesus can change me...it is going to be a long process with me cause I feel a mess (especially lately because I'm stressed out with work!). Like I said when I started this blog: it will take a miracle....a lot of miracles actually.
Anyway, I liked this quote from her book, which is actually a quote from the welcome guide from her church:
"The discovery of truth is a continuing journey guided by the Holy Spirit, and the answers we find are always provisional answers." (Chris Webber, Welcome to the Episcopal Church)
Man it is SO true. All of us, no matter who we are (christians or not) tend to think that we have a handle on truth. We know that what we think is right. I just want to be open to being corrected in my life, to changing my beliefs and my opinions, to listening and considering others' views and life choices. All of that informs and helps me in my own walk of faith and in my own journey in life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)